I must have read 200 posts today about how excited people were that it was November 1st and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Oh how I wish I felt the same. Will November always be my most dreaded month? My whole life will I dread the thought of thanksgiving? Will I always have a little bit of bah humbug during these holidays? Will the fast approaching November 23 always cause me anxiety and panic attacks? Will more people forget this year?
Last year some of my closest friends didn't even call to say they were thinking of me or checking to see how I was holding up. People that i felt werent my closest friends did. I can only wonder if the memory of my son is falling through the cracks for other people. I can't fault anyone for moving forward with their lives. I can proudly say I have moved forward and continue to do so, but the memory of my son and that horrific morning is still very much at the front of my brain. I was told by somebody that I needed to inform people that I needed and wanted them to call me on that dreaded day, really?!?!? I will however get through this year just as I have the past ones, with the love and support of the ones that remember. 22 more days, and it will be 3 years. 3 years since a part of me died. For all the people that are counting down the days to thanksgiving, don't forget to count your blessings. Each and every one of them. I know I sure do.
On to other things. Halloween 2011 was a blast. Anthony was a goblin, Eric was superman, Jaxson was a ninja turtle, and Xavier a motorcross dude. Halloween festivities began on Saturday with some trunk or treat fun with some awesome friends. Monday we did more trunk or treating and door to door trick or treating. We were so happy when grandma and grandpa decided to join in on the fun. A few hours and about 20lbs of candy later, the boys were exhausted (as was I) and we called it a night. Halloween has to be my favorite holiday. I love the joy in my kids eyes. I also received the cutest picture of Kristos. Such a handsome baby boy! I feel so lucky and so blessed that they have kept me a part of their lives. I love seeing him grow and hearing from them from time to time. I was finally able to finish the scrapbook I was working on and finally sent it to them as well. I really hope they know how much I appreciate them letting me be a part of their dream. I really would not have had it any other way.
The count down begins for my mini vacation to San Diego. Where I will be reunited with both of my sisters who I miss is much! And I will be meeting my soon to be brand new niece! And spending much needed time with my favorite little girl Adisyn aka TT. I cannot wait!! 26 days and counting and Auntie TT will be there!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
School has begun
Thank god school has started! The kids were getting bored and I think were very ready to start as well. Anthony and I said farewell to summer with a last trip to six flags. Just him and I. We had a blast! We spent all day there and rode almost every single ride. Thank god for Dramamine.
Anthony started junior high. I'm pretty sure I was more nervous than him. He has 6 classes a day and all being High Achiever classes. I couldn't be more proud of him. It has been a huge adjustment and I'm not sure he was aware of how different junior high would be. There is definitely more homework, more projects, and more studying. He has also realized that in junior high the teachers do not hold your hand. They expect so much more and they expect you to know what to do without being told a million times. So far he is doing great. He has adjusted and is enjoying being a "big kid".
Eric started 1st grade and is loving it. He is still so advanced for his age. He is reading at a 3rd grade level and is doing great at learning all of the new things. The one thing I am working on with him is his shyness. He is such a quiet child and its hard for him to make new friends because of it. We are working on it though. Last week he had an incident at school involving a little girl. The little girl pushed him down and he fell flat on his head on the concrete. Poor guy had a bump the size of a softball when I picked him up. It has gone down but is still bruised. I'm hoping it is gone by picture day but it doesn't look promising. Thanks little girl for being a bully at the age of 6!
Jaxson is in his 2nd year of preschool and enjoys it. He is doing much better at tracing his name and staying in the lines while coloring. Hes still having some speech problems and sees the speech therapist once a week. I'm working on getting him in 2x a week because I think he would benefit much more. But all in all he is doing well.
Xavier is home with me for now, we are waiting for a spot to open up in Jaxsons class and then he to will be in Preschool. But for now he is really enjoying his 3 1/2 hour alone time with mom. He is a handful at times and a very strong willed boy. I am very happy to announce that he is fully potty trained, which saves this family about $150 a month. On the downside of that....I wish boys knew how to get 100% of their pee IN the toilet, because I find myself cleaning the bathrooms at least once a day.
All in all we are doing well. I'm a taxi most days and a busy mom at that. My goal is to be able to update all my friends and family at least once a week. There really is never a dull moment in this household and I'm sure most stories would crack you up.
Anthony started junior high. I'm pretty sure I was more nervous than him. He has 6 classes a day and all being High Achiever classes. I couldn't be more proud of him. It has been a huge adjustment and I'm not sure he was aware of how different junior high would be. There is definitely more homework, more projects, and more studying. He has also realized that in junior high the teachers do not hold your hand. They expect so much more and they expect you to know what to do without being told a million times. So far he is doing great. He has adjusted and is enjoying being a "big kid".
Eric started 1st grade and is loving it. He is still so advanced for his age. He is reading at a 3rd grade level and is doing great at learning all of the new things. The one thing I am working on with him is his shyness. He is such a quiet child and its hard for him to make new friends because of it. We are working on it though. Last week he had an incident at school involving a little girl. The little girl pushed him down and he fell flat on his head on the concrete. Poor guy had a bump the size of a softball when I picked him up. It has gone down but is still bruised. I'm hoping it is gone by picture day but it doesn't look promising. Thanks little girl for being a bully at the age of 6!
Jaxson is in his 2nd year of preschool and enjoys it. He is doing much better at tracing his name and staying in the lines while coloring. Hes still having some speech problems and sees the speech therapist once a week. I'm working on getting him in 2x a week because I think he would benefit much more. But all in all he is doing well.
Xavier is home with me for now, we are waiting for a spot to open up in Jaxsons class and then he to will be in Preschool. But for now he is really enjoying his 3 1/2 hour alone time with mom. He is a handful at times and a very strong willed boy. I am very happy to announce that he is fully potty trained, which saves this family about $150 a month. On the downside of that....I wish boys knew how to get 100% of their pee IN the toilet, because I find myself cleaning the bathrooms at least once a day.
Updates are due
Ok so I get a HUGE fail for this blog. I am so sorry to all of my followers for being so terrible at this. I'm ready to try again and hopefully can do it. There is so much that goes on in this busy household and life in general that I would love to share. So here it goes. Let me start with the surrogate journey. One word to sum it all up....AMAZING.
The pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was healthy and had no major problems. My Dr scheduled my c-section for June 24, 2011 which would have been 39 weeks. Knowing my body the way I do, I had a feeling I was not making it that far. During my 36th week I started having some swelling problems and actually ended up going in to Labor and Delivery to get it checked out. My blood pressure was slightly elevated but I was able to go home. Other then the swelling and having little energy I was feeling pretty good. The parents arrived in the US on June 10, 2011 and were getting settled into their rental apartment in San Fran. They made the short trip to Sac to spend the day with the kids and I on June 12. We took some pictures together and visited for some time. I could see the excitement in their eyes and I knew that I was going to witness something so amazing.
June 13, 2011 I woke up at midnight to mild contractions. I thought I was just having some painful braxton hicks but when 2am rolled around and they were still coming I decided I better start timing them. They were about every 7 minutes from 2am-4am and I finally decided to go to Labor and Delivery to be checked out. Because I was having a C-section, I knew the Dr did not want me to go into full labor. So I grabbed a few things (I hadn't packed my bag yet) and left. It was quite strange driving myself to the hospital, but since this wasn't my child I felt weird calling my mom or my friend and waking them up. On my way to the hospital I called L&D and told them I thought I was in labor. The nurse replied "Have you called your Dr" I tell her No since it is 4 in the morning. She proceeds to give me the number to my Dr's office and says I must call the on call Dr before I come in. Confused I call and tell the lady that I think I am in labor and I need to speak to the on call Dr. She takes my info down and tells me she will have the Dr call me right back. I arrived at the hospital and decided to park and wait for the Dr to call me. Contractions were about every 5 minutes by now and they were pretty intense, but not unbearable quite yet. Well I sat in my car until 5:30 am and still no call back. The contractions had become less frequent and I decided to go home to try and get some much needed sleep.
I was only able to sleep from 6am-7:30am but then woke up to more contractions. I knew my Dr office opened at 8 and I could talk to the nurse then. So I packed my bag and text my friend to let her know what was going on. She told me she would take me in if that's what my Dr wanted me to do. When I finally reached the nurse she was frustrated that no one called me back and she said that my Dr wanted me to go to L&D as soon as I could. I arrived to L&D around 10am. I informed the parents that I was there being monitored and that I would let them know as soon as I knew what was going on. They had some time. Not to my surprise they were way to excited to wait so they jumped in their car and headed to the hospital. I was monitored for what seemed to be hours, thankfully my friend stayed the whole time and kept me company. My Dr ordered some blood tests because my BP was slightly elevated again. He came in to see me around 1 and told me that I had high levels of uric acid in my blood and that if it was alright with all of us today would be the DAY!!! The parents were beyond ready to meet their little guy.
After a few more hours I was prepped and ready to go. Both parents were dressed in their scrubs and ready to go. So adorable. They were taking pictures of everything and their excitement level was as high as it could get. I was so happy for them. Around 5:35pm a very healthy baby boy came into the world weighing 7lbs 11 ounces and 20 inches long. Such a handsome and healthy little guy. Parents were ecstatic and their were tears of joy in all of our eyes. I watched it all unfold before my eyes. The love that they have for their baby was so adorable and grand.
I was able to visit them a few times during my hospital stay and each time my heart was full of love. My stay in the hospital was okay. I was healing quickly and anxious to get home to my children. My Dr was very impressed at how quickly my body healed and how fast I was up and moving around. This being my 4th c-section I kind of know the tricks. I was discharged June 16 and felt great.
We were so blessed to be able to visit the new little family a few times before their long journey home to Italy. We spent the day with them in San Fran, took some pictures, had lunch, and visited the Aquarium. The kids adore them and they adore the kids. So cute. We are all so blessed to have 3 new additions to our family, our surrogate family is what we like to call them. I am thankful to get updates and pictures from them. Baby Boy Dream is doing great. He is an adorable 3 month old and so very loved. Such an amazing journey and I would not have changed anything about it. I knew from the beginning that they would make amazing parents and that their child would be loved as much as humanly possible. I am so grateful to the people that were there with me every step of the way and supported me from the beginning. I am grateful to have such supportive people in my circle.
The pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I was healthy and had no major problems. My Dr scheduled my c-section for June 24, 2011 which would have been 39 weeks. Knowing my body the way I do, I had a feeling I was not making it that far. During my 36th week I started having some swelling problems and actually ended up going in to Labor and Delivery to get it checked out. My blood pressure was slightly elevated but I was able to go home. Other then the swelling and having little energy I was feeling pretty good. The parents arrived in the US on June 10, 2011 and were getting settled into their rental apartment in San Fran. They made the short trip to Sac to spend the day with the kids and I on June 12. We took some pictures together and visited for some time. I could see the excitement in their eyes and I knew that I was going to witness something so amazing.
June 13, 2011 I woke up at midnight to mild contractions. I thought I was just having some painful braxton hicks but when 2am rolled around and they were still coming I decided I better start timing them. They were about every 7 minutes from 2am-4am and I finally decided to go to Labor and Delivery to be checked out. Because I was having a C-section, I knew the Dr did not want me to go into full labor. So I grabbed a few things (I hadn't packed my bag yet) and left. It was quite strange driving myself to the hospital, but since this wasn't my child I felt weird calling my mom or my friend and waking them up. On my way to the hospital I called L&D and told them I thought I was in labor. The nurse replied "Have you called your Dr" I tell her No since it is 4 in the morning. She proceeds to give me the number to my Dr's office and says I must call the on call Dr before I come in. Confused I call and tell the lady that I think I am in labor and I need to speak to the on call Dr. She takes my info down and tells me she will have the Dr call me right back. I arrived at the hospital and decided to park and wait for the Dr to call me. Contractions were about every 5 minutes by now and they were pretty intense, but not unbearable quite yet. Well I sat in my car until 5:30 am and still no call back. The contractions had become less frequent and I decided to go home to try and get some much needed sleep.
I was only able to sleep from 6am-7:30am but then woke up to more contractions. I knew my Dr office opened at 8 and I could talk to the nurse then. So I packed my bag and text my friend to let her know what was going on. She told me she would take me in if that's what my Dr wanted me to do. When I finally reached the nurse she was frustrated that no one called me back and she said that my Dr wanted me to go to L&D as soon as I could. I arrived to L&D around 10am. I informed the parents that I was there being monitored and that I would let them know as soon as I knew what was going on. They had some time. Not to my surprise they were way to excited to wait so they jumped in their car and headed to the hospital. I was monitored for what seemed to be hours, thankfully my friend stayed the whole time and kept me company. My Dr ordered some blood tests because my BP was slightly elevated again. He came in to see me around 1 and told me that I had high levels of uric acid in my blood and that if it was alright with all of us today would be the DAY!!! The parents were beyond ready to meet their little guy.
After a few more hours I was prepped and ready to go. Both parents were dressed in their scrubs and ready to go. So adorable. They were taking pictures of everything and their excitement level was as high as it could get. I was so happy for them. Around 5:35pm a very healthy baby boy came into the world weighing 7lbs 11 ounces and 20 inches long. Such a handsome and healthy little guy. Parents were ecstatic and their were tears of joy in all of our eyes. I watched it all unfold before my eyes. The love that they have for their baby was so adorable and grand.
I was able to visit them a few times during my hospital stay and each time my heart was full of love. My stay in the hospital was okay. I was healing quickly and anxious to get home to my children. My Dr was very impressed at how quickly my body healed and how fast I was up and moving around. This being my 4th c-section I kind of know the tricks. I was discharged June 16 and felt great.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
30 Day Challenge is....
A FAIL!! I tried and that's all that matters. I actually made it a lot longer than I thought I would. But hey give me a break, I'm a busy mother to 4 energetic boys. They keep me busy and when I do get an extra minute to myself the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. Shower vs Blogging hmmm...I think you get the point.
Okay its been a while since I have updated on the whole surrogacy journey. I am now 23 weeks. Getting bigger every week and actually enjoying it. I had the 20 week ultrasound and everything looked great. Baby measured perfect and everything checked out normal. However this little peanut refused to cooperate and show the parts that the Intended Parents were clear across the country anxiously waiting to hear. The poor ultra sound tech tried for 2 whole hours. This baby refused to uncross his/her legs. So I left there without the answer they were waiting for. After not being able to give them the news, they suggested I go to a 3D place to have another one done. I did and although this baby is very shy we were able to catch a few determining shots. The verdict?!?!? A healthy baby! The parents could not be happier. They have already booked their flights for June to be here for the birth and some time after. We chat weekly on a new IPhone app. They check in frequently to see how I am, I can't wait to see the joy this brings them! I send them weekly pictures of their growing baby who resides in my belly. :)
Well thats all for now. Kids are out for Presidents week and we are quite busy!
Okay its been a while since I have updated on the whole surrogacy journey. I am now 23 weeks. Getting bigger every week and actually enjoying it. I had the 20 week ultrasound and everything looked great. Baby measured perfect and everything checked out normal. However this little peanut refused to cooperate and show the parts that the Intended Parents were clear across the country anxiously waiting to hear. The poor ultra sound tech tried for 2 whole hours. This baby refused to uncross his/her legs. So I left there without the answer they were waiting for. After not being able to give them the news, they suggested I go to a 3D place to have another one done. I did and although this baby is very shy we were able to catch a few determining shots. The verdict?!?!? A healthy baby! The parents could not be happier. They have already booked their flights for June to be here for the birth and some time after. We chat weekly on a new IPhone app. They check in frequently to see how I am, I can't wait to see the joy this brings them! I send them weekly pictures of their growing baby who resides in my belly. :)
Well thats all for now. Kids are out for Presidents week and we are quite busy!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day 13
I'm totally going to cheat. I missed a few days but being that I used to only write once every few months, coming to post once a week is amazing for me.
Day 13: A letter to someone
Dear Alexander:
I can't even begin to say how much we miss you. Words will never express the loss we felt and feel everyday since you have been gone. It has been over 2 years now and not a day goes by without you crossing my mind. As I drive Xavier to school each morning I know that I should be driving you too. I wonder what you would look like and how you would act. Would you be a mommas boy like you were when you left us, or would you have switched over to be daddy's little man? How crazy would this house be with 2 two year olds running around? Would you and Xavier be inseparable? How would you smell? What would your interests be? Where are you now? Do you watch over us? Is your godfather taking care of you?
I will never get any of the answers to these questions and that is something I must learn to live with. I must learn to live with looking at the pictures of you and daydreaming about how it should be. Alexander Lee, I want you to know that your mommy loves you so much. You have made me a better person. Because of you I have learned to love every tiny little thing in life. I have learned to actually stop to smell the roses. You have taught me what real heartbreak is and how it feels. But above all you have taught me true love. I miss you baby boy and I believe that one day I will see you again.
Love Always Your mommy.
Day 13: A letter to someone
Dear Alexander:
I can't even begin to say how much we miss you. Words will never express the loss we felt and feel everyday since you have been gone. It has been over 2 years now and not a day goes by without you crossing my mind. As I drive Xavier to school each morning I know that I should be driving you too. I wonder what you would look like and how you would act. Would you be a mommas boy like you were when you left us, or would you have switched over to be daddy's little man? How crazy would this house be with 2 two year olds running around? Would you and Xavier be inseparable? How would you smell? What would your interests be? Where are you now? Do you watch over us? Is your godfather taking care of you?
I will never get any of the answers to these questions and that is something I must learn to live with. I must learn to live with looking at the pictures of you and daydreaming about how it should be. Alexander Lee, I want you to know that your mommy loves you so much. You have made me a better person. Because of you I have learned to love every tiny little thing in life. I have learned to actually stop to smell the roses. You have taught me what real heartbreak is and how it feels. But above all you have taught me true love. I miss you baby boy and I believe that one day I will see you again.
Love Always Your mommy.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Day 12
How I found out about blogger and why I started one:
I'm not positive how I found out about blogger. I'm sure some of my friends at that time had a blog and suggested I started one. The main reason I started my own blog was to get my feelings out, my memories wrote, and to share my story with others. After Alex passed it was a great way for me to share the story and pour my feelings out onto paper (well computer). Thankfully it was therapeutic and helpful for me.
I'm not positive how I found out about blogger. I'm sure some of my friends at that time had a blog and suggested I started one. The main reason I started my own blog was to get my feelings out, my memories wrote, and to share my story with others. After Alex passed it was a great way for me to share the story and pour my feelings out onto paper (well computer). Thankfully it was therapeutic and helpful for me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day 11
Yes I did it...I missed Day 10. I have no good excuses. But heres Day 11
More pictures of you and your friends.
My sisters and I on my wedding day.
Andy, Eric, Anthony, and Jayde. Miss that face!
Chris and I
Janet and I at Joes Crabshack Feb 3, 2011
Anthony and Jayde. Love these kids.
More pictures of you and your friends.
My sisters and I on my wedding day.
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