Rain vs Sun

This weather is very suitable for my mood the last few days. Cold and Warm. Rain and Sun. Windy and Calm. My mood has been a fast rollercoaster ride. Im happy and blessed that I spent 108 days with Alexander yet I feel robbed. At times I think that it would haave been easier to have lost him during my pregnancy, yet I would never take for granted the time I spent with him. I feel it was cruel to let him enter the world healthy and striving and leave the world so quickly. To leave me behind with gapping holes in my heart and wounds that wont heal. "Time does NOT heal all" and my son is NOT "In a better place". Time may ease the pain but will never heal. And my son was better off with me, it was my duty to care and love him till the end of my time. I will never recover on this journey and I will never get over my loss. Yet I will heal and get through this. Love will help me on this journey. Although the love of my child would cure me, I will push on.

"Grief isnt a seasonal song. Its a lifetime song, but it doesnt have to be a sad song forever".

With the 1 year of his death approaching and the holidays following so closely behind. I am looking for ways to remeber my son. A new ritual, a new way to celebrate. A new way of doing things.

Dear Alexander: I will be aware of my feelings and awknowledge them this year. And I will be gentle on myself. I will take care of myself. I will celebrate and decorate something this year. I will light a candle in your memory. "No light that was born in love can ever be extinguished". And most of all I will be thankful for something.....that something is you Alexander. The pain doesnt seem to get any better, but it hasnt got any worse and for that I am thankful. There is still an empty spot in this house and my soul still aches but my heart will always remember. The time I had with you is gone but my love for you is forever. For all the tears I shed are filled with memories of you and for that I am blessed. I am blessed that I can still feel and remember you. I love you more and more each day, like you never left me. And even though my heart is aching it is full because of you. I continue to push foward in life even without you here. And I continue to keep your memory alive. I love you baby boy.
Love, Your Mommy