And now I completely understand why my Aunt Janice and Uncle Geoff call it "a little slice of heaven". That's the only way to explain this fantastic, quiet, and breathtaking place. The weather was great and there was about 2inches of snow on the ground. Beautiful. We arrived Sunday afternoon to Carnelian Bay (North Tahoe) CA, with a few breakdowns on the ride there, we made it in one piece. As I opened the door to the condo my breath was taken away. It was so peaceful and quiet and amazing. My family all came together and left Steve and I a basket full of goodies and a very heartwarming card. Thank you to all of you, you brought tears to me eyes and a smile to my face. After going to the grocery store to get some food for the next few days, we were off to roam the place. We checked out the local beach (way to cold to swim), the mountains were covered in snow in the distance, it was so pretty. Saw a few coyotes within walking distance of the condo, Steve of course was scared out of his mind. We had a peaceful night just relaxing, BBQing and watching a movie we rented. And I actually had a much needed quiet nights sleep.
Monday morning, November 23 marked 1 year since Alex's death. We lit the candle that our family had left for us and Steve made breakfast. I of course had a few breakdowns, but in all honesty being in this "Little slice of heaven" was comforting for me. I was able to be in touch with my feelings, without being interrupted. I miss you Alex. Steve and I decided to head to a movie and just enjoy our time together. Took a scenic drive, saw a few more coyotes, and tons of breathtaking scenery. Thanks to all my friends and family for sending me their well wishes, pictures of their lit candles, prayers, and thoughts. Just to know that you took sometime out of your day to remember Alexander was so thoughtful and meant a lot to me. When we got back to the condo we took a walk and sometime to reflect. Another wonderful BBQ dinner and movie. It was so peaceful we didn't know what to do. I was sleeping by 8:30....I know I know. A night with no kids and no worries and I was in bed by 8:30. It was so nice. Enjoyed every minute of it.
We came home this morning feeling refreshed. I think that's the first time in a year that I was able to become one with my feelings. Really acknowledge them without being interrupted and having to "pretend" I'm alright. It was good to cry and just let it out. Be myself and not have to hide it to protect others. I was finally able to grieve without a time limit. I didn't have to stop to go and tend to the kids, house, pets, etc. I miss my sweet baby boy more than ever. I will never stop missing him. Although the pain is still intense and real, I know that this pain cant get any worse. Daggers in my heart cant get any deeper. I will never recover or heal from this but in time I will be able to deal with my pain differently.
Thank you to my amazing family for making this happen. Without all of you I don't know what I would do. Thanks to my friends for everything, without your uplifting words and powerful prayers, I have no idea how I would get through my days. Without all of you I don't think I would have made it one day past November 23, 2008.....let alone 1 year. I love you all and am grateful to have you in my life. XOXOXOXOXOXO
