More Bad Days than Good

May 22 was Andys birthday, same day that the autopsy results were sent to his wife. We had a party for him. BBQ, Beer, family and some good friends. Plus Artie and Dantes band "The Scowndralls" played. It was great. We let balloons go, one of them with about6 cigarettes in them for him. Although he wasn't there in body, I know he was there in spirit having a great time with us.

May 23 marked the 6 month mark that Alex passed. It really hit hard that day. I cried hysterically for the last part of the day. I didn't even realize the date until I had already broke down. I think I have finally came to realization that my Little Alexander is not coming back. I know I have been in denial for a long time. Not wanting to believe that he died, I know he died, but I believe I have been in denial to protect myself. Well I am no longer in that denial now. It really hit home while I was in his and Xaviers room putting away clothes. I looked at Alex's shelf with all of his things that have been bought for him from friends and family and I lost it. I opened his memory box to find his little wisp of hair. I loved his hair, so soft and fine. I opened the little bag and low and behold it smelled just as I remember it. I then couldn't bottle up anymore and I just started screaming....at God or whoever is above. It felt great to get it out even if no one was listening. I'm tired of being strong, and finally feel OK letting it out. I prefer to be alone or just with my kids when I break down like that. I have a hard time wearing my feelings on my sleeve when people are around.

On Mothers Day, the most dreaded day to me. I received a card via "Air Mail". I have no clue who really sent it, but it was so nice of them. It said that Alex was thinking of me and loved me greatly. It was so thoughtful of whoever sent that. Makes me realize that I am still in peoples thoughts even after 6 months. I know life goes on and I am a firm believer to live life as positive as you can. I'm working on that for myself. However Mothers Day will never be the same.

On to some good....
Anthony is in baseball and loves it. He i doing pretty good for his first year. He pitches and plays outfield. Its really nice for us to get out and be able to watch him.

Eric is the same old Eric. We had our home health nurse test his knowledge. On some parts he tested as high as a 7 year old and all the other parts he tested between 4-5 years old. He is very bright. He should be starting Preschool this year.

Jaxson is a Brut. Hes pretty much the strongest little almost 2 year old I know. That could be good but also bad. He likes to bully Eric a lot.

Xavier is growing everyday. He is 9 months old and weighs almost 26lbs. BIG BOY. He is walking along everything and I'm sure in no time he will be letting go and walking on his own. He loves to be outside and absolutely loves his oldest brother. He lights up as soon as Anthony walks in the room. He is sleeping through the night, thank god!

And we now have a new member to our family. Her....yes I said Her name is Salsa. She is a chihuahua. The cutest little thing and just what we need to bring some smiles and laughter in this household.