When does the Nightmare end

I still feel like this is all a nightmare. Like I am watching my life being played out on a VCR and big screen. I only wish that's what it was. A movie that I could erase, rewind, pause, and STOP. I have been working so hard to make a new normal for my kids and I and have been some what successful with that. There's still a void and empty place during the days/nights. The empty swing, empty playpen and bouncy seat are all a reminder. Every time I see a blue bottle I think of my Lil Monkey.

When I sit and think back on that horrid morning of November 23, 2008, I wish I could just press

********ERASE************

The day before, November 22, 2008 was just a normal day. I had my 5 boys. Alive and healthy. I was busy as can be taking care of them, cleaning, and playing with them all. Smiles and giggles, screams and laughs

*************PAUSE************ (i want those images back)

I can remember by the end of the day I was a little overwhelmed and needed to get out. I kissed them all goodbye and went to a friends.

*************Rewind************ (I wish I could change that feeling of being overwhelmed)

I came home late. Grabbed Alex and headed up stairs. I fed him and rocked him and listened to him grunt and groan himself to sleep

*************STOP************* (I want those noises back)

Then I woke up November 23, 2008 and it was all taken away. The memories are so vivid in my mind. He had already grew his wings and was no longer breathing that breath of life. CAN I PLEASE GO AND PRESS ERASE


I took down his crib and replaced his side of the room with a huge photo of him along with stuff that reminds me of him. His "whisp" of hair is sitting on top of his dresser and I stop and stare every time I pass his room. I have a huge quilt that a friend had made for me by Quiltstories.com. It is an awesome uplifting thing to look at.

At times I want to scream at the top of my lungs to the God that I thought didn't like pain, sorrow, or death. Well why did he let this happen? Maybe he isn't the God I have been told he was. If he is so high and mighty why didn't he stop and save my child from breathing that LAST breath of life? He could have stopped it, saved him, but he chose to let him go. People keep telling me that he called Alex to him for a reason......WHAT REASON. I birthed him. I held him. I rocked him. Fed him. Changed him. What did God do.....HE TOOK HIM. I don't pray to God anymore, I pray to Alex now. I tell him to watch over us and him to bless us.

If I didn't have my wonderful family and friends that have not only been here for me, but for my children as well, I don't know where I would be today. I have been blessed to meet with a lady named Candace who lost her angel Zack 10 years ago. She sat in my living room yesterday and it was so great to be with an actual being who could understand the pain and sorrow I feel each day. She has an amazing strength and such an uplifting spirit. I look up to her and all that she has done in communities around the world. Candace, if you are reading this, I inspire to be like you on this journey I embark upon. Everyone else should check out her website Zacksplace.com

I was told to expect to lose people that I once called friends and I didn't believe that. Well its happened a few times. I guess something like this can make a person realize who her friends are and feel blessed for the ones that stick around and are there for me when need be. I know a lot of people just distance their selves from me because they aren't sure of what to say. Don't worry I don't think differently of you, because I know all to well that there really isn't much you can say.

As for the Thomas boys, they are my strength. They are the reason I go on with the days that lay ahead of me. I need them just as much as they need me.....if not more. Anthony is my rock. He is so strong and his arms are wide open when I need them. Eric is just comedy. I can look at him when I am having a horrible moment and he can and will make me smile. Jaxson is an inspiration. He is so oblivious and happy that you cant help but be the same way in his presence. Xavier is precious, Alexander lives through him. I truly believe that.