January 23, 2008

Will mark the 2 month of my child growing his wings. I cant even explain my feelings. I feel broke. I feel robbed. I'm mad, I'm sad. One minute I'm crying the next I'm yelling. I'm heartbroken, and I feel like I am shutting down mentally and physically. I feel emptyness that will never be fulfilled. I think about him everyday. There is something in every room that reminds me of him. I love to be reminded of him but at the same time I don't. Its hard to tell anyone how I feel because there are no words to explain the emotions that run through me on a daily basis.


I'm tired of giving off the impression that I am so strong, because I'm not. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I want to take a long vacation by myself and just cry. I would love to just go stay somewhere far and sit by a fire and cry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and curse God for taking my baby. I have so much anger but no where to channel it. Who am I mad at? Who?

I'm still waiting for the autopsy results which is making me anxious. Not that the results are going to make me feel any better. But maybe it will give me a little tiny bit of closure. Maybe not. I really don't know anymore. I'm not getting sleep. I'm back to having night terrors and waking up in sweat as I re live that dreadful morning second by second. I have heard Alex cry in my dreams and it feels so real.

On a different subject. I'm going to be an AUNT. My sister Anna will be welcoming a GIRL....yes I said a GIRL (finally) at the end of June. So exciting, I couldn't be happier. But even with this good news comes sad news. She will be moving at the end of Feb to Florida to be with her husband. I consider my sisters and I very close. They are my best friends and more. I have been able to tell them everything and anything since they could understand. I don't want her to move. I will then be missing another part of me. I don't think I have ever gone longer than 1 week without seeing my sisters in the flesh. Now I will be going months.....maybe even years.

I will def be flying out there for the birth and as often as possible to see them. I know we have a ton of technology. Email, phone, ect....but that's just not the same as being able to take a 10 minute drive to see my sister in the flesh. She has been a shoulder that I can always lean on. Cry with, laugh with. Someone that has never judged me and never will. I'm determined not to let distance bring us apart. That's all for now.