Im mad

I'm mad....that's the only way to describe the way I feel. I'm mad at GOD if there is such a man. Why would he take my little boy from me. I'm tired of hearing "He is in a better place". No he isn't, he was in a wonderful place right here in my arms. He was loved, healthy, happy, why does everyone feel the need to tell me he is in a better place. I miss him. I have many regrets.
I should have went with the ambulance and made Steve stay home.
I should have yelled at my son to breathe.
I should have been the one in the hospital waiting and praying and hoping.
I should have never went to sleep that morning, I got home at 2am fed him and put him to sleep, I should have stayed awake.
I should have kissed him and cuddled him one last time that morning November 23rd.

I'm soooo mad. I'm mad at him for not taking a breath, not trying hard enough to stay with me.I m mad I cant cry. I feel that I should cry everyday, but its almost like my body doesn't make any tears. I'm mad that his outfit doesn't have the least bit of scent left of him. I'm mad that the damn police that haven't given me his stuff back. WHY? Why do bad things happen to good people?

I take care of my kids, I love them more than my life itself. I cherish them. I choose to stay home with them to watch them grow.
I feel guilty for ever complaining that having twins was hard. It was hard, but I was doing just fine. I feel guilty for complaining that I never got any sleep, I should have been happy to get up and feed him at all hours of the night. I feel guilty that my 4 other boys have to go on without little Alex.
I just cant understand. I'm tired of hearing "It was just his time, God called upon him to come be with him". Well I am calling upon him now to come be with me. Life sucks and I would really rather be with him. Yes I have 4 other children that I love and need to be with but I feel Alex needs me more. I'm sorry for letting him die.

What the heck is SUDDEN INFANT DEATH??????? Why cant they tell parents what the heck it is, how to prevent it. Sleep on their backs....well when Anthony was born I was told it was sleep on their tummy. They don't know what the heck causes it. I'm left with no answers why my son was suddenly taken from me. I feel SIDS is just a way out. A way that the Dr's feel better about themselves when they really DO NOT know.
How long did I lay next to my dead son? I thought a mother had something called "mothers intuition", why didn't I wake up and help him sooner.

Alexander: I miss you more than anything in this world. I would rather be homeless, and have nothing if I could just have you back. I would trade my whole world and even my health just to have one last day with you. I miss you, I feel that I need you to even go on.