I miss him

It hasn't gotten any easier and I don't know that it will anytime soon. The morning of November 23, 2008 is engraved in my brain. I awake in the middle of the night numerous times in a pool of sweat and crying hysterically. I'm scared, scared something is going to happen to my other children, scared I'm not strong enough to get through this and go on.
I picked up my son Alexander from Mt Vernon yesterday afternoon. Not in flesh, but in a box. The most horrible thing ever. I want my baby to hold and for him to smile and cry at me. Not just to be sitting on top of my mantel in a cherry wooden box for us to look at from time to time. Life isn't fair. I keep contemplating if I have done something to deserve this. Did I do wrong in life and someone is getting revenge? Who wants revenge like this? Who would take a baby from his mother? I am questioning whoever or whatever runs this world. Is there really a God? I don't know, I don't know that the God I once believed in would take my baby from me.
I'm scared, scared people will forget my son. He only had a short 3 1/2 months on this earth. He just started smiling and had started to make cooing noises only a week before he was taken from me. I see a therapist, and all the lady does is make me relive the horrific events. She says its good to talk about it so I don't forget it. HOW CAN I? I woke up and saw my baby, he was gone, dead. He had already grew his wings.
I laid in the hospital bed with my dead child and held him for as long as I could. Let him know I was sorry and I should have done more. Maybe if I would have woke up a little sooner I could have saved him. Maybe if I made him sleep on his back he would still be alive. I have been violated in a way that no mother should be. The night after my sons death a lady from CPS came to do a child check. R U KIDDING ME. I told her she could look and ask my children whatever she wanted to...she did and at the end of the visit she said "I will not be seeing you ever again". I mean seriously.....no shit.
The investigators took everything from my room. My entire upstairs was taped of by CSI. They took all my blankets, Alex's blankets, his bottles, his formula, some mylicon drops, and anything else they wanted to and booked it as evidence. I have yet to get anything back. Everything they have has the scent of my baby. I just want to cuddle it and smell him. The only thing that I have is the outfit he was wearing that the EMT's cut off of him. I sleep with it every night. Even the smell of his spit up smells sweet to me.
They now tell me that his autopsy results can take up to 5 months. They have sent tissue samples, urine samples to toxicology to see if he was perhaps poisoned. And they have sent biopsy's over to see if maybe he had a condition that we weren't aware of. I almost pray to whoever is up there that his results come back with something other than SIDS. At least with that it wont be the unknown.
For anyone that knows me, knows that my children are my world. I breathe for them, I wake for them, and my every being is for them. I would go without before my kids. That's how a mother should be. I know deep down I am a WONDERFUL mother, but a part of me also believes I have let my son down. I didn't protect him, I couldn't save him. I should have died before my kids, isn't that the circle of life? Well my circle of life has been tampered with.
I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. People are coming out of the wood works to help us in anyway they can. I know many don't know what to say, because they cant say anything to take the pain away. Some will ask me if they can do anything for me.....in reality all I want is my son. I have alot of pride and haven't been one to ever ask for help, but I know that I need it now. Even if that means just coming by the house or calling/texting me to see how I am. Even though we all know that I am a wreck and devastated.
Tomorrow will be my first day alone with the kids. Steve is back to work and I need to get back into routine. What does that mean? A routine without my angel. Without Alex, that's not a normal routine and I am scared that I wont be able to do it. I'm not eating, I'm not staying hydrated, I'm not taking care of myself and I know that's bad.
Okay those r my thoughts for the night. I MISS YOU ALEX. I'M SORRY AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. I'm a mother to 5 boys, one is just watching over me.