That dreaded day

I know alot of you are wondering and I haven't been able to write personal emails to all of you. So I have decided to start blogging......

November 23 2008

Sunday November 23 I woke up at 7am just not feeling right. My baby boy Alexander has slept in my bed with me since birth. Xavier sleeps downstairs in the playpen next to his dad (they always woke each other up, so it was easier this way). When I woke up I knew instantly something didn't feel right. I looked over to my right to Alex and looked at his back to see if I could see breaths...no breaths, I held on to that hope thinking that I was still half asleep so I rolled him over and devastation hit. My baby boy was gone. He was grayish yellow and obviously wasn't breathing. I started screaming for Steve who was in the room in an instant. He yelled at me to get out and go downstairs with the other kids.
Steve immediately called 911 and started CPR on our angel. When the firetruck and ambulance arrived, they ran upstairs and took over. CPR and the heart shock. No one would let me upstairs so I knew it had to be bad. They rushed him away and Steve went. The fire chief then came to me and held me in his arms and said he had already called the Chaplin because things didn't look good. I don't remember much after the Chaplin arrived and gave me the news that my son had passed and I needed to get to the hospital to be with him.
The Chaplin drove my mom and I to Mercy and escorted me to the room where my angel laid. He looked like he was asleep and just needed to open his eyes. So peaceful. His godparents arrived and we all sat by his bedside and cried. I crawled up on the bed with my angel and held him for awhile, knowing I had to say goodbye. I still feel like this is all a bad bad dream that I will soon wake up from.
When I arrived back home my upstairs was taped off with crime tape and they were tearing my bedroom apart. They took all my bedding, my pillows, my blankets, the pacifiers, the bottles, the formula...EVERYTHING. Left me nothing that had the scent of my precious boy. And of course they had to interrogate Steve and I (they said its protocol). The Dr's have ruled out trauma, smothering, or any kind of abuse (DUH, why would I ever hurt any of my kids, they are my world, why I breathe and why I wake each morning). They did a full autopsy on him and have told me the results can take up to 3 months.
The police officers and firemen stopped by Monday to see how we were holding up and wanted to ask permission to attend his services. They also let us know that they didn't want us to stress on Thanksgiving dinner, that they were going to provide all of that for us. They have been wonderful and compassionate through this whole devastating event.
When they brought our dinner by this morning they reassured me that nothing is any ones fault. The one officer said that Dr's wont say that its SIDS until everything is ruled out. Dr's hate SIDS because its so unexplainable so they try and hold onto anything and everything that they can before SIDS is determined. The Medical Examiner sent off his fluids and tissues to the toxicology lab to be tested for poison and other things. The officers without actually saying it, said that its SIDS.
I don't understand why this happens to anyone. Good parents or horrible parents should never have to go through what my family and I are going through. No one knows what to say, because there isn't anything that you can say to bring my baby back. He was only on this earth for 3 1/2 months and that's way to short. I have to hold onto the memories that I have. And I have a ton. I'm not sure how I am going to get through this and move on. I will never be "Okay", but I know I have to be strong for the 4 other beautiful boys I have. Alex will never be forgotten and always be loved. I am still a mother to 5 boys, just one is watching me from above. He is my angel now and I have to somehow believe that I will see him one day again. His smiles, his laughs, his cries, his coo's, all of it is implanted in my head and will forever be in my heart.
I have had alot of family and friends to be my rock and I have to say thank you to all of you. Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow, it will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my lifetime. I want everyone to cherish what they have because it can be taken away from you in a blink of the eye.

RIP BABY BOY. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!