Its Really Real

Today Sarah was able to pick up her loving husbands ashes. It really hit home seeing his urn and knowing he was inside. He is really gone. I cannot even fathom the pain that Sarah is in. I might have lost my child, but this is different. I had 3 1/2 months with my son. He was just starting to get a personality. Not alot of memories were created in that short time. I do however hold the ones that I do have very close to my heart. I love and miss him and think about him all the time. Sarah had 2 1/2 years with Andy. She knew him inside and out. He had an amazing personality and they had an enormous love between the 2 of them. They were happy and nothing or no one could have taken that from them. And in one day it was all taken from her. She is now left with just memories like myself. She hasn't eaten and walks around like a zombie. No sleep. I cant imagine having to sleep without something that was always there and is now gone. Being in a house that used to be a family of 4 and is now just 3.

I feel so helpless. I know that words don't take the pain away, cards are just paper with pretty pictures on them, and flowers die. I know that all I can do is be there, a shoulder to lean on, someone to cry with, someone to yell with, and someone that will always be there. Every step of the way, day by day, minute by minute. I am so thankful to the ones that have been there for Sarah and the girls. I know at a time like this you need all the help you can get. All the love that is available, and all the prayers possible.

Andrew was loved by many and will be missed very much. I might have only knew him for 2 years, but it felt like a lifetime. I cant remember my life without him in it. I saw him at least once a week, but usually more. My children were very close to him and are mourning the loss of their godfather. Anthony wears his shirt to bed at night and his bandanna is always with him. I have no bad memories of Andy, I don't think I can even say I ever saw him mad. Not once had I heard him raise his voice. He was always very loving, caring, an all around great man. He was and had been in physical pain for quite sometime and his Dr's were not helping him. New Years Eve Sarah, Andy, and myself spent over 6 hours in the Emergency Room because he had been throwing up blood. They ended up sending him home with no answers. I know he was tired of always being in pain, hurting and at time not even be able to hold his own child. Even though I miss him more than I can say, I am however happy that he no longer feels pain.

I have had dreams of him. Talking to him, and it has been very comforting for me. He has told me in my dreams that he is OK and that he is with my son and is taking good care of him until the day I see him again. He has told me that he knows he has hurt everyone and he is sorry but not to worry about him. I know it sounds crazy that this has been comforting to me, but it has.

Sarah if you are reading this I love you and the girls just like I love my own family. I'm here and am not going anywhere. Andrew I miss you and you will never be far from my mind. We love you Cupcake.